My husband is starting to get abusive...?

My husband started changing around March when we lost a baby. It was a really tuff time for me. And after i lost it i got a jjob to keep my mind busy, and made friends from my job. And my husband got really jelouse about it. His family is tottaly his "right hand" and they would say things to me and he would NEVER stand up for me. so i got more involved with my friends. he would start to use curse words to me, and then in front of his family, or say things to make me feel bad, blame things on me which i didn't do. once when we were having a fight he took my bag n cell phone n hide it. and held me down on the bed for an hr. telling me how bad i am , and i asked for it to be this way...for a week i had his hand marks on my skin. and everyone at work knew my husband did something.. he has a very short temper now, and will say "stop it, u want me to hit u" he even put on his phone "The *****" for when i call. then some days he acts tottaly normal and sweet.

My husband is starting to get abusive...?
I think he needs to see a therapist. If he didn't have these angry outburst before you lost the child....I would say that he hasn't dealt with the loss.
Reply:Leave. Leave now. Don't hesitate. Don't reconsider. Just go.
Reply:He's grieving his baby. He needs grief counseling ASAP.
Reply:Yep.


The second he was done holding you down on the bed, I would have called the police and left him that minute.
Reply:I think you are smart and brave for getting away and trying to rebuild your life. You don't deserve the treatment you are receiving from your husband and it is abusive. Get away and stay away. Once a man starts hitting, chances are he is going to hit again and harder. Good luck with school and starting a new life. Hang in there.
Reply:Yes!!! You need to get away from him. I know that it will be hard but you can do it. You deserve to have a man that will treat you with dignity and respect. I wish you the best of luck!!
Reply:Honey....you are doing the right thing. And speaking from experience, it is much harder staying in an abusive relationship than it is being short on cash.


I promise you after a couple months when you start getting use to the situation you will be so proud of yourself for leaving.
Reply:You are doing the right thing. It will only get worse if you stay. I am sorry that this has happened and maybe he will realize what he had. You will find someone better for you that will appreciate and love you for who you are and not what they want you too be!!!! And yes is does suck starting over. I did it when I found out my husband was cheating. I am much happier now. I went into sales and did well and now I make more money than what we did combined. You will be happy again....I promise. The hardest part is being strong and walking away!!!
Reply:Definitely go home and take a break. Usually once an abuser always an abuser but I do know of people to break the cycle if they really want it. Think about what you want and if you want to be with him then have a plan before you go back home. Make sure when you talk to him that you have someone you trust with you, just in case. Tell him how you feel about his actions and suggest that you go to couples therapy. If his problem is serious the therapist will suggest he go to an anger management course as well as continuing therapy. I hope things get better. Good luck Hun.
Reply:Dear, things will only get worse from here...... Take it from someone who has seen it. One of my best friends just left her 9-yr BF (they already lived together) because he was getting abusive and she was afraid to leave him for the same reasons you are...... so she took it for a while..... but she started going to therapy and the psychologist told her that she needed to leave ASAP before he really got into a rage outbreak and really harmed or even killed her...... those people have a problem, they are bi-polar and sometimes they can really be out of reality and not be responsible for their deeds. If you want to stay allive, please run now that you're still in one piece!!!! Economic situation and stuff can be sorted out......... the traumas he's going to cause you may never be...... you deserve better......... go!!!
Reply:Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave!!! Been there, done that, had I not left I would be dead. My X committed suicide after I left him and I am convinced that it would have been a murder/suicide had I not left and got a restraining order. LEAVE NOW!!
Reply:i know that its hard to start over......but really put everything you have into making your life better instead of puting everything you have into saving your life with someone who is beating you.....i would rather be homeless and pennyless then to have a big mansion and money and have to have pain to enjoy the mansion and money. leave honey you deserve better.....and i lost 2 kids one in october of 2006 and one in june of 2007.....so lets talk and iwill tell you more
Reply:you don't have to end it if you don't want just leave for awhile. Give yourslef (and him) sometime apart to think and clear your heads. If you want to work it out at that point then ask for you both to go to counseling. I have lost 2 babies one while pregnant and one after he was born. It is so hard on any couple. Your husband is acting this way because he feels out of control. He couldn't help his child, he couldn't help ease your pain and he can't deal with his. Then you start going out to work or whatever so then he felt he couldn't control you. Not that he should control you but it's a whole picture see? He feels like everything is spinning out of control and that you are pulling away from him (which it sound like you are) If you feel in danger then I can certainly understand leaving but I hope that you can have some compassion to and realize that he has had a very rough year to. My husband and I went through a very similar situation, including a lot of physical abuse. I eventually had to seperate for my safety but I made it clear to him that we could work it out if we went to counseling, if he could realize why it was wrong, what caused it and if he promised it would not happen again. Every one of those things happened. He has never been violent with me again, we are closer now then ever before and we have both worked through the pain of our past. Things have been great for us for about 7 yrs now.





No matter what you decide to do though I would still get counseling for you. You have had a very rough year and it would be beneficial to talk it all through with someone
Reply:You need to leave now!!! it WILL only get worse!!! It will escalate and you could wind up dead, it is terrible that you lost your child, however at least you don't have that over you now.


Leave now please....my father chased us with loaded guns, took parts out of the cars so we couldnt start it etc etc....it WILL get worse....please save yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:That is the smartest thing to do, it will only get worse. It sounds like he needs his a** kicked. I hope everything works out for you. Good Luck.
Reply:Yeah, I think you are doing the right thing. Abuse usually only gets worse without help. Even with help sometimes that doesn't change anything. You mentioned your husband started changing after you lost your baby. Was he abusive at all before this happened? You can look at the National Network to End Domestic Violence website and it should have warning signs to look for in a person who can be abusive. Were any of these signs there before the loss of your baby? If not, it's possible he is blaming you for the loss of the baby (which is still wrong, it's not your fault) and totally isn't handling it in the right way. If that's the case therapy may help him, only if he is open to it. Keep in mind that a person shouldn't abuse another person under any circumstances. You have gone through a very hard time and deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion. Not abuse!
Reply:Yes, you are doing the right thing. And the pride you will gain from knowing you can and did stand on your own will add to your satisfaction and reaffirm that you did the right thing.





No one, man or woman, should live with any type of abuse (verbal, emotional, physical). WAlk away now before he hurts you worse. And if he is willing to listen, suggest he talk to someone about it.





My soon to be ex husband has terrible mood swings too. I left him a year ago becasue of verbal and emotional abuse. I urged him to seek professional help. He hasn't but at least I tried. My life is better than it has ever been becasue I stood up for myself and walked away.
Reply:You are doing the right thing! And no matter how hard it might seem now, it will be worth it. He will get worse, that you can count on.
Reply:Yes, you are doing the right thing by leaving. You shouldn't stay with a person that's going to abuse you. One of these days he might not stop with holding you down on a bed, he might do something worse. Hope you find someone better and good luck!
Reply:yes you are doing the right thing. change is always scary but ask yourself what is more scary: staying with a man that is not stable, who could blow and hurt me at any moment? or starting over? I believe we all know what the answer to that will be. You can do it alone, and in the end you will be much happier for doing so and it will also make you a much stronger person!! good luck to you and God bless you!!
Reply:You are doing the right thing. You can get a job and go to school. Think of yourself and do what's best for you. It will get worse and he will not change. If he tells you he's going to change leave him anyway and let him prove to you through his actions that he is changing. Don't stay with him. Listen to what everyone is telling you and your gut feeling. Life will get better without him. With him it can only get worse.
Reply:You need to get up and out of there as soon as you can.





Of course its not going to be easy to start over, and you are probably going to have some rough months as you get yourself together. You said you have a family that will help you to a certain point... well, take advantage of whatever help you can get.





What would you do if you stay with him and the abuse gets worse and worse? You could be with him still in a couple of years wishing that you had left when you first started thinking about it. Then you would be thinking about how much time you wasted when you could have been in school and gotten your own place etc...





A man who is so influenced by his family that he will not stand up for his wife who they are wronging is horrible. If you were not working before and he suddenly became jealous because you made friends at your new work, this could be one sign of a man who would rather have his wife have nobody to confide in and then slowly make her feel so weak and small that she becomes trapped by his abuse and he can keep her just where he wants her to be.





The hand marks on your arms were a visible warning of what may come and now he is verbally giving you warnings when he says things like "you want me to hit you?"





Don't ignore the warnings. You may want to see if there is a domestic abuse hotline in your hometown where you can get support for when you move back there.





If your husband comes running to you and begging for you to come back and you are really thinking about it, you really really need to demand that the two of you attend marital counseling and that he attend anger management. Then also come up with an agreement and a plan for you to be able to finish school, and agree that you will work (or not work if that is what you want)





If you just give in to his begging and promising to change, I just want to warn you that in many cases men will change just long enough to make you feel everythign is safe and then he will go back to his old ways and may even get worse.
Reply:No you aren't wrong..if you feel threatened you are right to want to get away. BUT Like the first poster said; if he wasn't like this before you lost the baby then he''s not dealing with his grief and needs to seek help in getting over the loss. Grief has a process, one is anger, and if the baby was lost through a miscarriage (you weren't clear on how) he might be acting out towards you since you were the one carrying the child. Even though a miscariiage is nobody's fault he feels the need to place the blame somewhere.





My advice is to get out; BUT tell him he needs to seek therapy to deal with his emotions because you are fearful of the new him, and his hurtful behavior. Don't leave him all together yet, until you see if seeking help is helping/changing him back into the man you married. Go with him to the sessions if he wants, but make it clear you can't be with him until he starts to show some sort of a change for the better. And if he doesn't then moving on will be tough, but you will get through it. I hope things work out for you either way, it's sad enough to loose a baby...but now you seem to be loosing a spouse too.
Reply:You are doing the right thing. I'd suggest counseling but if he lost respect for you or blames you for losing the baby he may need some time to recap himself. If you're meant to be with him you will bump paths again once his mind and soul has been cleansed and cleared.


I think you will do great. It will be a difficult struggle but with perseverance you will succeed. Do it for yourself, show him that despite the damage he has caused you will/have prevailed. YOu go girl and even if you need some moral support or anything like that my e-mail adress is on my profile. Best of luck!
Reply:Things will be hard for a while if you leave him but you will be better off. Things could just get worse. In a way it sounds like he is blaming you for the loss of your child. Have you tried to go to marriage counseling? He may not know how to deal with it. Even if he agrees to go, you should still get out of the house and live somewhere else until you see changes. Right now you are living in a very dangerous situation. You are absolutly doing the right thing, no man should ever put his hands on you for any reason other than lovemaking.
Reply:Definitely doing the right thing. Talk to your friends and your family. Though you arent close to fam NOW, imagine how they will feel if this guy hurts you badly, or kills you? Its important that you get out NOW while you can honey. I've heard this happen too many times, and have talked with women who have survived battering spouses.





He totally wants to be in control, and has no respect for you, and threatens to physically harm you. No matter what, meaning the miscarriage, he shouldnt be treating you like this. I wouldnt dare tell you to go to counseling, i dont think that would be too wise... just make sure you let your friends know what's going on, so that someone knows... and definitely get the hell away from him.





Abusers are sweet sometimes... they gotta make you happy some of the time to keep you. I used to work with women through Jane Doe, and the shelter for batterd women and children, who survived the abuser. They all said similar things as you have.





"He disrespects me infront of his family, he threatens me, he hides my cell, he holds me down, he talks down to me, he makes me feel bad, he tells me its my fault, he threatens to hit me, but he was so sweet sometimes."





It never gets better honey... It only gets worse... much worse.





Leave and dont return. it will be hard, you will struggle, but better to struggle financially, than to struggle for your life with his hands around your throat... You deserve better than that.
Reply:Men who abuse women don't stop untilthey KILL them.


Get out now. You can live in a women's shelter until you have enough money to live on your own.


You can make this work, even if you have to rent a place and get a roommate. Seriously, respect yourself.
Reply:You should trust your own intuition on this. What you have already been through is already sad and completely devastating, but there is no reason to throw your life away not. You don't owe it to your husband to become his victim now. You seem to be strong and very sensible. You'll be fine in about a year if you just stick to the plan and let your parents rally around you. Your husband will have to resolve his own problems. Personally I would never give him another chance, because the alcohol and violence tell me he is drinking heavily. Of course it is your choice, and I hope you will do what is best for you. Hugs.

shamrock