Do you like my song?

i want the fire that comes with (your)skin on (my)skin


i want candlelight for the sake of candlelight and


i want to cry about a


fight about a fight about another fight.


i want the relief of deep hugs


and the jealousy of Who


and the dances of hands in hands


and the "god, i love you"'s


i want love and hate and joy and pain and fights and music blasted on long car rides


and stares from eyes that know me


and i want sweat and tears and jokes that only we understand


and i want intimate conversation and pet names and a favorite restuarant and corny gifts and to share deepest darkest secrets


and i want pillow talk and the annoyed looks at bad habits and i want late night phone calls


and flowers on my birthday and i want movie nights and i want to do your laundry and let you fix my car and i want to hold your hand in the grocery store


i want the beginning again. and this time, i won't fear the end.





Its called 'Addiction plus Rejection equals This Big Mess'

Do you like my song?
That's really good. Keep writing!





Well actually, I read the answer below me, and I think it is really good for a poem, but it'd have to be different if it were to become an actual song.
Reply:That's pretty good. I could never even start to write a song! Good job!
Reply:no. I didn't like it as a song. It's great as a good poem, but I couldn't imagine somebody singing it.
Reply:GEAH iT SOUNDS MORE OF A POEM
Reply:wow that's really good hell of alot better then my songs





if you can sing you should try to show it to a music producer and try to become famous I'm sure alot of people would love it





can i use this song in my sister and my story i could use it between these two characters
Reply:Ehh that doesn't sound like lyrics for a song maybe a poem but like someone else said i couldn'y imagine someone singing. Try again for a song:)


♥Black Rose♥
Reply:That really can't be answered. See, I know you know this, but that's not a song. They are lyrics. And the thing about lyrics is that they can go either way. If these were hooked into some kickin' good music, then the song could be beautiful. But on the other hand, over crappy music, the song will suck. And until either of those outcomes, your song is still just a set of lyrics.





Aside from that, I think your lyrics have a definite identity. Many lyrics that I see people write have a dead obscurity that makes the words melt into a boring slop of syllables that no one wants any part of. Your lyrics are broad enough to have appeal to others, while still avoiding that obscurity by painting a picture of a specific feeling or longing.





The organization of the song is, on one hand, weak. When you write lyrics, it is essential to have some sort of repetition, something that listeners can grab a hold of, so that when they hear that line or word or phrase or melody, they know exactly what song they are listening to. Without that "hook," your listener will become lost and disinterested in your song. The hook or repetition is like an island or refuge that your listeners use to navigate through the rest of your song. Your lyrics definitely lack that hook, and it is a glaring weakness that you must address.





On the other hand, the lack of a strict organization (i.e. a specific pantameter or rhyme scheme) gives your song the freedom that most ameteur lyricists lack. Most new writers become so wrapped up in conforming their words to a certain rhythm and trying to find a rhyming word that they suffocate the expression that they initially set out to communicate.





So, in short:





(1) Your lyrics have identity. Strive for that. Avoid obscurity and clichés.


(2) You need a hook. Repetition is key here. Pick a phrase that conveys a strong idea, emotion, ultimatum, anything, and make it the running theme throughout your song.


(3) Your avoidance of rhyme schemes and strict rhythm gives you freedom to write, but it is still advisable to use phonetic devices like alliteration, repetition, one-line rhyming, etc. to give your lyrics some flavor.


(4) Keep writing. It is the only way to get better.
Reply:i like it keep up the good work!
Reply:Wow! That was...amazing! You're a very talented writer! This song reminds me of a couple that goes to my school. They're always breaking up and getting back together. The title works well, but you might want to shorten it. But that's just my opinion. = ) And as said before, it would work better as a poem. You should probably shorten it up if you want it to be a song.

sorrel